


Prisoners of Our Past

by cookiequickie



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Cassandra Clare - Freeform, M/M, Malec, the mortal instruments - Freeform, tmi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 16:27:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1273231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiequickie/pseuds/cookiequickie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec plans on spending another, normal night at Magnus's; not counting on the fact that his boyfriend would be stuck in a rather inconvenient position.  Doubts, fears and passions grow within Alec, all to explode when he discovers a secret; something disconcerting and shocking about his warlock. Will their relationship be cracked forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prisoners of Our Past

**Author's Note:**

> Umm...first ever fanfiction so, be nice... yadda yaddaaah. Hope you like, I worked hard on this ^_^ Love a bit of Malec loveliness, but I find it hard to get over the problems in their relationship and in them. I really hope they sort it out or at least are happy for the end of CoHF. Which I am literally dying waiting for! It'll have been over two years when it's finally released!! I'll have aged two years!! What the hell?? Anywaysss enjoy ;D 
> 
> (Also, I'm English, so sorry if there's any English words in there. You know, like sofa or pavement or lift or anything ;P)

 

The floorboards creaked as Alec moved to scrape away the recent demon ichor from his seraph blade onto the banister. Of course, he then realised his mistake when the acidic liquid started to erode its way through the wood. He turned to his boyfriend’s open apartment door and deepened his frown; if he hadn't been early arriving at his boyfriend's then there would have been nothing stopping that demon. Magnus's usual wardings shouldn't have allowed it to get  _this_ far, and clearly it could have easily snuck into the apartment, and at the very least wreaked havoc, got slime on Magnus's new Persian rug (Alec didn’t even walk on that rug, for fear of doing something wrong) and managed to eat Chairman Meow.

Alec ran towards the apartment, startling himself even now with his uncontrollable fear for Magnus; the most likely explanation for the wards’ disappearance was that Magnus was... _gone_. The worst kind. He raised his weapon as he stepped into and down the hall, forcing out of his emotion-tightened throat and disrupting the unusual silence of the place, "Magnus?"  
  
He stepped further into the open spaced centre of the apartment and called out again at his boyfriend’s absence, noticing that the doors of the cupboards, microwave and fridge were all open. He scrutinized the scene before turning away. He slowly walked to Magnus's and his bedroom, knowing that if he didn't find him there or in one of the other bedrooms he was going to have to deal with a missing brother  _and_ a missing boyfriend, and he knew that together the losses would smother and strangle him until he couldn't recover.  
  
Forcing himself to breathe, Alec turned the corner and found Chairman Meow busy grooming as if there was nothing even slightly wrong. This was reassuring; his voice had a new strength, “Where's Magnus, Chairman?”  
  
“Alec?”  
  
And there it was, a signal that nearly everything was okay again in his messed up life. He felt the weight lift, and as he opened the door he decided he wanted nothing more than to shed the gear and curl up under the duvet with Magnus...and maybe let the warlock totally have his own way with him tonight. And then his eyes found Magnus, who was spread out, from his toes to his chest, pressed firm against the opposite wall, arms spread wide, trying to look over his left shoulder at Alec, who exclaimed; “What the fuck-”  
  
Magnus grinned and tried to shrug, but obviously his shoulders were stuck along with everything else. He gave up and said, “Yeah, not the welcome home extravaganza I was going for.”  
  
Alec headed over and joined Magnus at his wall-bonded side, “What happened?! Is it a spell?”  
  
“Mhmm. I was trying to fuse the headboard of our bed to the wall; last night was the final straw for all that banging,  _and_  it had started to dent the wall. As much as I enjoy it, Alexander, I don't think the wall likes being banged  _that_ hard every night.”  
  
“Magnus...I can't believe you-” Alec managed through his spluttering. To avoid looking at Magnus and blushing even more, he ran his hand over Magnus's fused one, trying to squeeze his fingertips under it. But he couldn't; it was stuck firm. “What went wrong? And please tell me it'll wear off or something?”  
  
“I don't know-I think I got the spell just a tinsy bit wrong, or put way too much strength into it. I just tried an unlocking spell on myself but clearly nothing changed. Then again, I think I can wiggle my little toe...” Magnus's face scrunched up as he obviously tried moving his toe, with Alec staring in disdain. How could he be so relaxed? Did he not realise the implications of having your body forever (literally a possibility) stuck to a brick wall? “I guess,” He continued, “you could try smashing up the wall. That could work.”  
  
“Magnus, I don't think you want a gaping hole in the wall of our bedroom.”  
  
Magnus proved then that he could still wiggle his eyebrows. “Why? Is there something you wouldn't want people to see?”  
  
“Stop, Magnus. Look, what if this never stops? What if I can't fix this?”

“This isn't your fault. It's mine. And...my impatience with repetitive noises. Ever wondered why I don't have clocks around?” Ironically as he said this he started banging his forehead against the wall.  
  
Alec frowned, and gently stilled Magnus with his right hand against the side of his head, thumb brushing his temple. “Your wardings were down. There was a demon outside your front door-your  _open_  front door.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Alec nodded slowly, “A demon. If I hadn't been early getting here, it would have walked right into here and likely found you like this. Magnus, it could have hurt you.”  
  
Leaning into Alec's hand, Magnus turned his face fully to Alec’s, smiling tenderly. Keeping eye contact, he fitted his lower lip into the slight notch at the base of the inside of Alec's index finger. Then, he opened his mouth and dragged his top lip down the finger until his lips were joined again. Even though Alec was totally abashed by getting felt up by his immobilised boyfriend, who absurdly was touching up their bedroom wall more, his body reacted anyway. Magnus held the moment-he kept his lips there and gripped Alec's gaze with his own, pouring his love and growing lust into Alec. Then he murmured, “I love how much you worry about me, even though there's no need. I guess I should feel underestimated and irritated by it but...” Magnus sounded as if he was musing now. “Instead I just feel safer...and, hypocritically, I feel the same way about you. Every time you get in that lovely, tight, shiny armour of yours I'm terrified that you won't come back, even though I  _know_ you're a better ass-kicker than Beatrice Kiddo.”  
  
Alec was smiling, “I don't know who you're comparing me too, other than that she's a woman. I hope you're not saying my gear makes it look like I've got a woman's body.” he said, playfully raising an eyebrow when Magnus smirked.  
  
Alec then continued in a serious tone, “I guess...that's what you do when you're in love with someone. You worry about them when they're away from you until they're with you, then spend that time worrying about when they'll leave again...or if you're obsessed. I guess it’s part of the beauty of it; having a life to value more than your own and know that they feel the same about you.”

He watched as Magnus's face started to express a growing pleasant surprise and he started to feel his face heat up again, so he focused again on Magnus's stuck hand. “And right now I'm worried that my boyfriend is forever going to be stuck to a wall and...you didn't answer my question. Will it wear off?”  
  
When he saw that Magnus was shaking his head Alec's stomach fell whilst his heart leaped into his throat. This is it; Magnus'll always be like this. All because he jumped to use magic when he could have just got a new bed frame...or superglue. “You expect me to be able to use my brain after all that? I mean I'll try, but don't trust what I say.”  
  
Alec looked directly at Magnus, narrowed his eyes and shook his head, showing that he was not amused. Magnus laughed, “Don't worry, it should do. Look I can already move my right leg.”  And sure enough, Magnus kicked his leg up behind him.  
  
                                                                                                               

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I could really do with a massage about now.” Magnus said as way of greeting as Alec walked in with two mugs of coffee.

  
“I'm so relieved that that spell wore off I might actually...try and give you one.” Alec said somewhat shyly. Even though he was now beyond comfortable being with Magnus and had done things way more intimate and sexual than a massage with his boyfriend, Alec still found it hard to talk about sex and to be vocal about what he wanted. Though Magnus had shown that he enjoyed the mystery and the guessing.  
  
He carefully, so as not to spill the hot drinks, sat at Magnus's side on the sofa and once settled he placed a mug in Magnus's ready hands. “Thank you.” Magnus chimed, “So, really? Have I got a sensual, erotic back massage to look forward to within the hour?”  
  
“I don't know if I can promise you  _that_.” Alec pulled his legs up to his body and rested his mug on his knees.  
  
“But I'm in a right state. Being stuck to a wall for six hours, I've never been so knotted.”  
  
“It wasn't six hours, more like three.” He watched as Magnus waved his hand, made a can of whipped cream appear and squirted it all over the top of his coffee.  
  
“Yes...well still. My back and I may never recover.” He swung the whipped cream in front of Alec. “Want some?”  
  
“No thanks.”  
  
“Want some for later when you give me that massage?”  
  
Alec gave him a look that said ' _Really_?' but couldn't stop his grin. The idea did sound tempting. “Well...yeah, maybe.”  
  
Magnus laughed and Alec was filled with that glow that he got whenever he made anyone laugh, times ten because it was Magnus; beautiful, kind, hilarious Magnus who had found something that he'd said  _funny_.  
  
“I guess it's good news that something's not permanently wrong with my magic. Imagine if, just then, I'd made it rain whipped cream on us or something.”  
  
“Another one of my fantasies.” He murmured, waiting for the sure reaction from Magnus at that.  
  
“Wow, you are in the mood tonight, aren't you?”  
  
Alec laughed. “Angel, Magnus. Do you ever stop?”  
  
“I think you've seen that I'm very good at not stopping, especially when you're begging me not too."  
  
Alec spilt his coffee in his sudden, uncontrollable laughing fit; he had his head thrown back, leaning his shoulder against Magnus's. He knew he was blushing though. Surely he should be numb to Magnus's dirty mind by now? Then again maybe he didn't want to be. Maybe he wanted to laugh and be surprised and feel this way like new over and over again. And...he wondered if Magnus felt the same way. Did his boyfriend experience new emotions? Was it even possible? He felt his happiness drain from him like air from a balloon, though, as he has learnt too, he gave away nothing. Doubts were now a constant in him, only to surface in his mind when he allowed his thoughts to wander.  
  
“Now I regret not taking advantage of the situation we were just in. It could have been incredibly hot; me totally unable to move from that wall while you did  _whatever_ you wanted to me.”  
  
“You're forgetting about your clothes, they were stuck too.” Alec wondered how long Magnus's mind would be in the gutter for. He took a sip of his coffee and watched Magnus frown at his words.

 “And...” he gave Alec a devilish grin. “I guess a certain body part would have been stuck  _down_ as well.”  
  
Alec, laughing, rested his forehead on Magnus's shoulder, “Stop, Magnus.” He felt Magnus nuzzle his face into his hair.  
  
“Okay, sweetpea.”  
  
Alec sighed with a dramatic, fake annoyance that he knew would, and did, make Magnus laugh.  
  
There was a lull, with the two of them enjoying the gentle touches between them. Magnus was drawing patterns on Alec's shoulder and gradually working his way up, and Alec had placed his hand over Magnus's chest, feeling for his heartbeat.

They sat that way for a while, until Magnus finally reached the back of Alec’s neck, rubbing circles there, creating goosebumps. His other hand came up and titled Alec’s chin up from Magnus’s shoulder to meet his own. They kissed softly; tenderly, Alec strangely enjoying the sticky, clinging sensation of his boyfriend’s lip-gloss when Magnus pulled his lips away in order to kiss down Alec’s throat. For once Alec was careful not to let the kiss grow; he knew that Magnus and his ‘knotted’ back needed rest, not more tension. He only gently ran his tongue along Magnus’s teeth, only gently pulled at Magnus’s hair, only gently moaned. He carefully smoothed his hands down Magnus’s back, only pressing against the areas under his shoulder blades where he knew stress settled. He massaged the muscles and only soon after became aware of Magnus’s soft moans, his shaking in his arms.

He brushed his lips up against Magnus’s one last time before whispering, “Are you okay?”

Magnus dazedly struggled to even half-open his eyes and Alec had to refrain from leaning back in surprise. He’d never seen Magnus so out of it. Was he drunk? Drugged?

Magnus laughed quietly, probably at Alec’s expression. He blinked delicately a few times, smiling. “No. I’ve never felt this way before.” Alec watched Magnus give in and slowly close his eyes.

“Are you ill?” He placed his hand at Magnus’s forehead; he wasn’t particularly hot.

“No,” He opened his eyes; they were now clearer and more focused, warm and playful. “I’m just in love with you.”

Alec automatically made a noise in the back of his throat, part in surprise and part in pleasure. He internally thrilled at hearing those words, but outwardly he imitated Magnus’s playfulness, “So being in love with me is making you feel ill?”

Magnus grinned, “I’m love sick.”

“Even  _I_  know that was horribly cheesy, Magnus.”

“It’s true though.” Magnus closed the small distance between them, his lips working feverishly against, and then with, Alec’s. He was caught in the passion of the moment, wildly running his fingers over Magnus’s body while Magnus did they same to him. It was only when Magnus leaned backwards in order to lie on the sofa and pulled Alec down with him that Alec remembered his boyfriend’s painful back.

He pulled back from the kiss, gasping, “Your back-I think we should stop. You need to relax.”

Magnus ran the fingers of his right hand over Alec’s cheekbone. “I’m fine. Honestly. I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

Magnus shook his head, incredulous. “I’ve never met anyone who cares so much. I’m sure.”

Alec was smiling. He pushed himself off Magnus and stood next to the sofa, and answered Magnus’s confused, disappointed look; “One condition; we-um...do it in your bed, not here. At least there it’ll be comfortable for you.” He offered his hand to help Magnus up.

Magnus took it, grinning and muttering something about Alec’s ‘word choice’ and ‘innocence’. “Deal.”

When he was standing, Magnus leaned in and kissed him. Alec wrapped his arms around him, once again gently kneading his back with the heels of his hands, with Magnus groaning in response. Alec pushed forwards, taking control, and guided Magnus past furniture and into the hallway.

They made it as far as the wall next to the bedroom door before Magnus could resist no more. He pressed Alec to the wall, changing between moving with him and moving against him, changing the angle and the intensity, changing the sounds coming openly from Alec’s mouth. He was lost in their shared desire. Love, lust, passion, excitement; the emotions burst behind his eyelids as he felt every part of Magnus against him, purposefully moving to make him feel this way. Magnus was so heated, so frenzied; yet so deliberate and attentive. Everything he did was for Alec’s pleasure, yet Magnus seemed to thrill in his self-appointed duty. As long as Alec was happy and blissful, so was Magnus. He couldn’t understand how he’d been so lucky to have such a selfless, loving, devoted man so in love with him.

Alec needed Magnus, right in that moment. He reached for the door handle, twisted it, and led Magnus into their bedroom. Magnus immediately pushed Alec backwards and down onto their bed, before kneeling down with his knees on either side of Alec’s hips. Alec moved, scrambled really, up the bed, with Magnus sauntering slowly after him. He reached the pillows the same time as Magnus did, who towered over him. Alec was gasping for air by the time Magnus was finally pressed flush against his body again, and once the fevered kissing began, he was sure he was going to hyperventilate.

He fumbled for the bottom of Magnus’s shirt, hastily pulling it off his boyfriend and carelessly throwing it to the left. It hit a box that sat on Magnus’s bedside drawers and it toppled off, springing open. He probably wouldn’t have reacted, and would have assumed Magnus wouldn’t either, if it weren’t for Magnus’s sudden tension. He had stiffened, and had pulled back from their kiss.

He was looking from Alec, to the box, and back again, an almost unreadable expression on his face. But Alec could see fear in his boyfriend’s eyes, and it made him sit up; forcing Magnus to move off of him. He saw out of the corner of his eye Magnus move to sit back against the wall, as if he was drawing into himself or trying to hide. Alec sat on the edge of the bed, and looked down at the ornate box. He suddenly recognised it and thought back to a time when he’d been alone in their bedroom and had desperately tried to open it. He felt himself flushing as he remembered his lack of trust, but tried to concentrate on a detail in the memory. The box had been locked. There had been no keyhole. It had been locked with a spell.

Looking closer, Alec saw a long piece of paper spilling from the box. He leaned forward and saw a list of names, all in Magnus’s scrawled handwriting. There were so many, and the document was mostly hidden in the box; the list looked to go on much further. His eyes were drawn to certain names that were either written bolder or bigger:  _Samuel Cabilio, Imasu Morales, Evelyn Dowling. Maeve Kull. Christopher Davies._

Alec reached out a hand; it shaking from realisation, and pulled out the list. It was longer than he had most feared. He scanned the names, unable to grasp what he’d found. What he’d discovered about his boyfriend. Magnus thought that it was okay to write down the names of his lovers, group them all together and stuff them away in a box. List them one after the other, even categorise some; on their importance? On how long they spent with him? How much more they meant to him than the others?

Is this what he would become? How he’d be remembered? Just a name scrawled quickly on a piece of paper along with all the other dead lovers, soon to be lost among new names. It was a sick imitation of a grocery list. Only it didn’t contain things that Magnus wanted, but things that had been and gone. And there was so, so many. All of his fears of being trivial, of being compared to better lovers and concluded certainly to be worse than them, of the enormity of his first experiences being lost in Magnus’s practice and familiarity; they all came to the front of his mind at once, along with tears in front of his eyes.

Behind him Magnus shifted on the bed. “Alec-”

 Alec whipped around, fuelled by sudden rage. “You told me you couldn’t count how many people you’d been with! You said it didn’t matter to you!”

“When was that?!”

“At the engagement party! What, don’t you remember things unless you  _write them down_?!”

He watched Magnus’s face contort in pain before he hid it in his hands. How dare  _he_  be hurt?!  “Oh, I’m sorry; upsetting you, am I?! By forcing you to face reality?! I’m so sorry that I was the first person to do that to you Magnus.” He laughed bitterly. “That’s a new feeling for me.”

Magnus’s shoulders were shaking, his abdomen was heaving, his breathing was staggered and wheezy, but Alec couldn’t be sure if he was crying or not. He definitely didn’t look like he was going to fight back. Alec wished he would.

“Are you not going to say anything? Not even a  _little_ ,  _pathetic_  excuse? Wow, that’s a nice change.”

He knew he was being cruel. Merciless and brutal. But he couldn't stop the anger.

“Magnus, if you think you’ll get away with this by just sniveling in the corner you’re delusional. Guess it shouldn’t be a surprise to me now, though, anyone who makes a  _list_  of all their exes has got to be. What are you thinking? Is this like a certificate to you?! ‘Look guys, I got to four hundred last week, where’s my medal?’ ”

“Alec-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please...why are you saying all this? Please understand.” Magnus finally sobbed.

“It’s because I  _don’t_  understand!” He continued his tirade. “Why would you want to make a record of the hundreds of people you’ve fucked? Is my name on there yet?!”

 “That’s not why...it isn’t about that.” Magnus choked out. “I just didn’t want to forget their names. I can’t remember their faces, or their voices...or the times I spent with them. I just wanted to separate them from everyone else on the planet-as people that I’d loved.”

Alec stared at Magnus. He felt his anger threatening to unleash again; first of all, why was Magnus  _crying_? He wasn’t feeling the way Alec was feeling, Alec was the one deserving of turning on the waterworks. Surely at most Magnus was feeling annoyed that Alec had found him out. And second, why so many? Could he not bear to be alone? Did he constantly need a distraction from thinking about the lovers of his past? And third, anger at himself. For not even trying to be empathetic or understanding. He wasn’t immortal and he had no past lovers. He had absolutely no idea of what Magnus was feeling. Why couldn’t he be more deserving of Magnus? Surely none of his past lovers had ever said the things to Magnus that he’d just yelled at him; maybe that was why Magnus was crying, because he’s never before faced such anger, selfishness and lack of empathy in a lover in his entire long life.

At that realisation he felt the rage being replaced with a bone-deep sorrow. Magnus had stopped choking for air and dropped his hands. He stared at Alec with red, sore-looking eyes, and Alec felt sick; he had done that to Magnus. He took a shuddering breath, unsure how to fix what he’d done. “I understand that Magnus. It’s just that I...”

His voice faded away. He had so much to say, yet he couldn’t even manage to say any of it, or more importantly to comfort his boyfriend. He was such a failure. He jerkily stood up, unaware that he was still clutching Magnus’s list, and almost ran to the bedroom door. He needed to get away before he did more damage.

He heard Magnus gasp and clamber after him. “Alec! Please don’t-!”

Alec couldn’t turn back, couldn’t even look at his boyfriend or at his inflamed, raw eyes. “I-I need to go.”

“No-don’t!” He heard Magnus pick the box up from the floor, and he heard objects rattle around within it. What else did he have to remind him of better, preferred lovers? “Look, I’ll get rid of it all. I’ll prove it doesn’t matter to me, that you’re everything to me now. More important than my past or my future. I’ll do it right now; Alec just look at me.”

Alec resisted. He needed to leave now; he needed time away, to let his doubts, anger and self-hatred sink away again. He opened the bedroom door and ran down the hall to the front door.

“Alec!” He then heard Magnus follow him, rapidly chanting a spell. He heard the crackling of flames and felt the heat of fire, which was likely burning up the remaining trinkets and relics in the box. “Alec please-they’re gone! Alec, come back. They’re all gone.” 

But it didn’t matter.

He swung open the front door and bolted down the stairs before Magnus could do anything else. With the smell of burning still in his nostrils he glanced slyly over his shoulder to see if he was being followed and would therefore need to sprint to the Institute. Instead he saw Magnus’s outline as he stood in the doorway, looking utterly defeated with the box hanging from his weak arms.

 

**Author's Note:**

> *Gasps* Oh no....problems with Malec :S Soz, but I think I wrote this needing to vent and explore their relationship. I hope I got the characterisation about right? I know Alec absolutely loses his shit, but tbh I find him rather nasty at times and I think that he would genuinely react that badly if this happened for real. And Magnus crying? Smeh, even he gets emotional sometimes ;P comment, give me feedback or whatevs! I'll probs keep going with this. Screw you qualifications! ;D


End file.
